If you're reading this, it means I actually
worked up the courage to mail it, so good for me. You don't know me very
well but if you get me started, I have a tendency to go on and on about
how hard the writing is for me. This, this is the hardest thing I've
ever had to write. There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it. I
met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, I wasn't on
the make. It was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another.
Next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of
that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut: she might be The
One. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly
neurotic, a great deal of maintenance required. She is you, Karen.
That's the good news. The bad is that I don't know how to be with you
right now. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I'm not with you
right now, I have this feeling we'll get lost out there. It's a big,
bad world full of twists and turns and people have a way of blinking and
missing the moment, the moment that could have changed everything. I
don't know what's going on with us, and Ican't tell you why
you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn you smell
good. Like home. And you make excellent coffee -- that's got to count
for something, right? Call me.
not that you haven't noticed, but it's been almost four months since i've posted anything here. and it isn't like i haven't had anything to write about...i've started about a million posts in my mind only to have them trail off into dinner dishes and laundry and homework and dentist appointments and tears and disillusion and fatigue, etc. ad infinitum. and before you wonder about my last few reasons...michael and i are great ~ better than ever, in fact; there's just been a lot going on.
some readers who are familiar with us through joel and kathy davisson's ministry will know that we ended our association with them and stopped facilitating weekly calls and marriage intensives back in january. this had nothing to do with the ministry in and of itself and everything to do with the fact that michael and i felt that our time in ministry had run it's course. we'd actually started talking about it last summer and had decided we'd stop at the end of the year which ended with us giving an extra month before we said goodbye. we're eternally grateful for everything we learned and were blessed with during our five year involvement and take our hats off to everyone who serves in some kind of ministry; while it's amazing, it can, at times, be heartbreakingly difficult.
honestly, i've thought about this post so much and now that i'm writing it, i'm struggling with what i want to say because it's been a while and i want the words to matter and i feel that i owe an explanation for my silence, the latter being largely influenced by my own internal struggle with broken marriages and why they break. over the last several months, i've watched someone i really care about walk through the wreckage that is divorce. there have been tears and anger and disbelief and late night calls and sadness and soup and wine. there've been good days and bad. small triumphs and momentous tragedies. through this, there's been a remembrance for me of when i was in the same place with michael five years ago, and i can easily recall the throat clogging feeling of him choosing a different life over the one he shared with me, the deep frustration of trying to reason with someone who stood fast in his own resolve. and i wasn't even in it as long as my friend has been nor was it carried out to the same degree. kind of reminds me of words from a song by james taylor...
well, people got used to seeing them both together
but now he's gone and life goes on
nothing lasts forever, oh no
she gets the house and the garden
he gets the boys in the band
some of them his friends
some of them her friends
some of them understand
lord knows that this is just a small town city
yes, and everyone can see you fall
it's got nothing to do with pity
i just wanted to give you a call
i think i must have listened to it about a bajillion times when michael and i were going through our stuff. well, that and i will survive. gotta love gloria gaynor...
on top of this, my aunt passed away almost two weeks ago. cancer. god, how i hate that word. and during her last week, my uncle (her husband) was diagnosed with leukemia. i'm not even sure if she knew. so that ride isn't over yet. and just a couple of days ago, i realized that one of my closest and dearest friendships may be entering a difficult season. of it all, i believe this will be the most treacherous valley i'll walk through right now and not because i think the friendship will be lost. it's more because i feel dangerously close to stuffing my feelings about what's happened in the hope of not hurting or displeasing my friend in anyway which was my default long before i knew her but which the pull of is still dangerously tempting. ironically, it's because of my friend that i've been able to grow and heal and take part in my life in ways i never would have before which is part of why i'm so troubled by where we now find ourselves. i hope that what i've learned from her will help me in healing the relationship with her.
Is it me or is there just suhem' 'bout a country song? A country love song to be more exact. Last night at our marriage group one of the couples told us about this song, Wanna Make You Love Me, by Andy Gibson and I wanted to share it you all. Awesome lyrics guys...hop to it!
Old people make me cry Goodbyes make me drink Tom Petty makes me drive too fast The Bible makes me think Children make me laugh My momma makes me wanna treat a lady right Like daddy always has
You make me wanna buy a rose You make me wanna shine my shoes Baby you make me wanna dance Better than I do You make me wanna be a man Who makes you laugh and makes you proud I wanna be everything you need You make me wanna make you love me
Girl I'm not poetry I'm not the finest wine But I'll toast to you and me And I'll try to make you rhyme I'll learn your favorite song Stand in the yard with my guitar And sing outside your window all night long
You make me wanna buy a rose You make me wanna shine my shoes Baby you make me wanna dance Better than I do You make me wanna be a man Who makes you laugh and makes you proud I wanna be everything you need You make me wanna make you love me Oh yeah
You make me wanna buy a ring You make me wanna put you first You make me wanna talk to God Even when I'm not in church You make me wanna be a man Who makes you laugh and makes you proud I wanna be everything you need You make me wanna make you love me Oh yeah You make me wanna make you love me
On November 11 of this year, 5 male students from Baylor University, committed to making a change in American Society in its view toward beauty, posted this status update:
“I’d rather have a Proverbs 31 woman than a Victoria’s Secret model.”
Throughout that night, this status was reposted numerous times and as it spread, they saw there was need for more action. They started with a Facebook page saying the same thing as their status updates and they also decided to post a video. In 3 days, they received over 120,000 views on youtube, and their Facebook page grew to over 7,000 likes (now close to 12k).
Naturally, they've received a lot of mixed reactions to their statement. Up front, it seems a bit refreshing given our societies (churched and non) obsession with physical appearance and it puts me in remembrance of a Bath & Body Works ad campaign that was out over 10 years ago in which all of the models were size 12 and above and I remember thinking, "at last! a real depiction of what many look like!" Not a svelte size 2 with boobs 'til Tuesday but rounded thighs and bellies and arms and cheeks, slightly stetch-marked and not as smooth and perky as once before but warm and lusty (oooops...did I just say that?) and welcoming. I am Venus At A Mirror, thank you very much, and live with the reality of that every day and let me tell you, it's a love/hate relationship at best because every woman ~ Victoria Secret model or not, has image issues. Oh yes, she does. Just watch, How To Look Good Naked, sometime and you'll see.
But, more than that, what immediately hit me when I read this little yet powerful statement was this: have all 5 of these university gentleman ever self gratified? Ever looked at porn? Ever shopped at Vicky's Secret store (double entendre intended). Cause I'm thinkin' that would make their statement pretty meaningless if they had and this is why: in the almost 5 years that we've been involved in Christian marriage ministry, we've yet to talk with one man who hasn't participated in any of the aforementioned activities; married or not.
This isn't a judgement; it's a sad reality. And I totally get how childhood wounding and family of origin abuse and abandonment and emotional arrestedness can play a part in why we do what we do; but when one regularly comes in contact with men who are married to Godly women who genuinely strive to be so ~ whether she be a Prov 31 woman or a Victoria's Secret model (both are children of God) ~ and sees that these same men are turning towards indiscriminate sex to be fulfilled instead of towards the woman they're married to, then the statement made by these 5 men is nothing more than a cock and bull story to me.
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. ~ Proverbs 5:18-19
And....hello....it doesn't even matter what she looks like! We've met men married to drop-dead-gorgeous inside and out women and they still look at porn, self gratify or leave their wife for a pole dancer!
Guess I'm a little jaded.
A few days ago, Michael and I were watching a Christmas movie and towards the end, the main couple got married in a simple ceremony. The mayor ~ who officiated ~ asked who was giving the bride away (Santa, naturally), then for the rings, then pronounced the couple husband and wife. I laughed a bit and jokingly said to Michael, "What kind of wedding was that? No vows." to which he drolly replied, "What's the point of vows? Most people don't keep them anyway."
And hey, I know that there's a lot of good men out there; men who honor their wives and their vows, who genuinely forsake all others ~ including themselves ~ for love of God and their wife, who want to leave a legacy for their children that will protect their hearts and minds and future spouse. I also know that the porn industry brings in more money annually than major league sports and that men aren't the only participants in supplying that revenue. It's a tangled web we weave, people. Has been from the beginning and it doesn't matter if a man is with a Proverbs 31 woman or a Victoria's Secret model; if he has a proclivity to act out....he will because as long as a person continues in the belief that God is holding out on them somehow; that He doesn't want to give them what they really need and as long as people continue to let that be the story of their lives then that's how they'll show up.
So, what do you feel when you read the statement from the guys at Baylor? Does any part of it resonate with you or do you have a different take? We'd love to read your thoughts in the comment section of this post.